My life at the moment, for all intents and purposes, totally sucks. I barely feel able to use the word 'life' in correspondence with my existence, it's so dull and unsatisfying and frustrating. I feel numb with intense moments of emotion. Everyone irritates me, I hate doing anything - I don't care about my work or school, hardly anything gets me excited. I haven't really laughed since Christmas break. I'm pretty much am a horrid person to be around. What sucks the most is I know all of this. It's not some feeling I don't understand, I'm depressed angry and I know it and I'm still to lazy to fix it all - and I could. I can. I just don't feel like it.
All the suck is filled with moments of greatness though, so I can't really say I'm "really" depressed, I think I'm mostly just angry - and I'm just about to start my senior year of college, I'm so scared what that'll be like if I'm so fed up with it all as it is.
You don't have to write back any anylasis or supporting words, it feels nice to just have someone else to tell all this too. Here I have Lee and thats it. That's most likely another reason I'm so angry, I think I'm lonely. I love Lee, but hanging out with him all the time because I have no one else to hang out with is starting to wear on us both I think. You know? The fact I don't have anyone else to just be with on a comfortable basis is depressing/frustrating me. Of course I have people in the world like that, just none here in
Yeah, that was an download of crazy of sorts.
odi et amo
Odi et Amo
05 March 2008 @ 03:06 pm
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01 March 2008 @ 05:40 pm
18 December 2007 @ 11:39 pm
26 August 2007 @ 06:16 pm
25 August 2007 @ 12:33 am
I'm scared.
Like, I'm really excited for this project I've been wanting to do but having to depend on other people to get it done really is just something I'm not good at. Never have been. Was never a fan of group projects in school or any of that jazz. I really want this zombie survivor shoot to go off well, to take just good/neat pictures and have fun while doing it. In my head the event I'm planing goes smoothly and is productive- but I can't help but feel that's just not going to happen. I don't want to command people but I'm afraid that's what it's going to happen, that I'm going to have to take a tone of authority to get people to cooperate and to listen to me on the day of the shoot. I don't want to piss anyone off but I equally, if not more so, want to get my shots. I've never taken a stance of 'authority' over here yet, or rather the one time I tired it was sorry for a half ass attempt and resulted with me being ignored. I don't know if people here can handle me saying something along the lines of "Shut the fuck up and listen." I don't feel I have the 'right' to say anything along those lines (and I wouldn't use those very words, but my tone of voice and obvious irritation that usually results when I'm frustrated, I might as well) simply because I'm organizing a random and completely non-profit photo shoot- but at the same time I can't help but think I do. I mean, I've asked people to help me with a personal project which I thought would be fun for people to participate in and when they say yes I expect some kind of professionalism (for lack of a better word). A sense of commitment I guess, I dunno. Only Maya and Cara really seem to be helping or even aware of the kind of thing I'm trying to pull off here, and thats two out of a whole family.
So, I'm scared. Scared my shoot will be a flop. Scared I'll get frustrated with people. Scared my obsessive compulsive behavior will 'cause me to be stupid.
Like, I'm really excited for this project I've been wanting to do but having to depend on other people to get it done really is just something I'm not good at. Never have been. Was never a fan of group projects in school or any of that jazz. I really want this zombie survivor shoot to go off well, to take just good/neat pictures and have fun while doing it. In my head the event I'm planing goes smoothly and is productive- but I can't help but feel that's just not going to happen. I don't want to command people but I'm afraid that's what it's going to happen, that I'm going to have to take a tone of authority to get people to cooperate and to listen to me on the day of the shoot. I don't want to piss anyone off but I equally, if not more so, want to get my shots. I've never taken a stance of 'authority' over here yet, or rather the one time I tired it was sorry for a half ass attempt and resulted with me being ignored. I don't know if people here can handle me saying something along the lines of "Shut the fuck up and listen." I don't feel I have the 'right' to say anything along those lines (and I wouldn't use those very words, but my tone of voice and obvious irritation that usually results when I'm frustrated, I might as well) simply because I'm organizing a random and completely non-profit photo shoot- but at the same time I can't help but think I do. I mean, I've asked people to help me with a personal project which I thought would be fun for people to participate in and when they say yes I expect some kind of professionalism (for lack of a better word). A sense of commitment I guess, I dunno. Only Maya and Cara really seem to be helping or even aware of the kind of thing I'm trying to pull off here, and thats two out of a whole family.
So, I'm scared. Scared my shoot will be a flop. Scared I'll get frustrated with people. Scared my obsessive compulsive behavior will 'cause me to be stupid.
13 August 2007 @ 08:53 pm
11 August 2007 @ 08:10 pm
I am in a mood. Everything annoys me. EVERYTHING.
And I don't know why. I feel bad about it.
And I don't know why. I feel bad about it.
