My life at the moment, for all intents and purposes, totally sucks. I barely feel able to use the word 'life' in correspondence with my existence, it's so dull and unsatisfying and frustrating. I feel numb with intense moments of emotion. Everyone irritates me, I hate doing anything - I don't care about my work or school, hardly anything gets me excited. I haven't really laughed since Christmas break. I'm pretty much am a horrid person to be around. What sucks the most is I know all of this. It's not some feeling I don't understand, I'm depressed angry and I know it and I'm still to lazy to fix it all - and I could. I can. I just don't feel like it.
All the suck is filled with moments of greatness though, so I can't really say I'm "really" depressed, I think I'm mostly just angry - and I'm just about to start my senior year of college, I'm so scared what that'll be like if I'm so fed up with it all as it is.
You don't have to write back any anylasis or supporting words, it feels nice to just have someone else to tell all this too. Here I have Lee and thats it. That's most likely another reason I'm so angry, I think I'm lonely. I love Lee, but hanging out with him all the time because I have no one else to hang out with is starting to wear on us both I think. You know? The fact I don't have anyone else to just be with on a comfortable basis is depressing/frustrating me. Of course I have people in the world like that, just none here in
Yeah, that was an download of crazy of sorts.
Like, I'm really excited for this project I've been wanting to do but having to depend on other people to get it done really is just something I'm not good at. Never have been. Was never a fan of group projects in school or any of that jazz. I really want this zombie survivor shoot to go off well, to take just good/neat pictures and have fun while doing it. In my head the event I'm planing goes smoothly and is productive- but I can't help but feel that's just not going to happen. I don't want to command people but I'm afraid that's what it's going to happen, that I'm going to have to take a tone of authority to get people to cooperate and to listen to me on the day of the shoot. I don't want to piss anyone off but I equally, if not more so, want to get my shots. I've never taken a stance of 'authority' over here yet, or rather the one time I tired it was sorry for a half ass attempt and resulted with me being ignored. I don't know if people here can handle me saying something along the lines of "Shut the fuck up and listen." I don't feel I have the 'right' to say anything along those lines (and I wouldn't use those very words, but my tone of voice and obvious irritation that usually results when I'm frustrated, I might as well) simply because I'm organizing a random and completely non-profit photo shoot- but at the same time I can't help but think I do. I mean, I've asked people to help me with a personal project which I thought would be fun for people to participate in and when they say yes I expect some kind of professionalism (for lack of a better word). A sense of commitment I guess, I dunno. Only Maya and Cara really seem to be helping or even aware of the kind of thing I'm trying to pull off here, and thats two out of a whole family.
So, I'm scared. Scared my shoot will be a flop. Scared I'll get frustrated with people. Scared my obsessive compulsive behavior will 'cause me to be stupid.
And I don't know why. I feel bad about it.
Myspace is actin' all stupid and won't let me sign in even though I'm logging in correctly. Stupid ass website.
AND: LOL MURDER WORLD.
Arcade: Jean, Jean, Jean. I so hoped you kill them, ah well, you still have your uses.
Lee: Sexual uses.
Me: Yes. Obviously Arcade must steal women to have sex with them.
Lee: Obviously.
:(
In other news: my sickness is almost entirely gone.
Simpsons Movie was better then I thought it'd be though. Hoora.
D:<
Commencing Phase Two in one Hour. Will Pause for Simpsons Movie.
And thus, a little piece of me has died.
I don’t mean to say that the events in the book made me sad or angry or some sort.
I mean a part of my self has died. That a chapter in my life <insert own “Things at an End” cliché> has ended. Or something. I don’t actually know. I’ve read a lot of book series and while I love Harry Potter, it is by no means my favorite.
But it is important to me.
I first read Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone almost directly after I finished reading Phillip Pullman’s The Golden Compass for the first time. Compass was the first in a trilogy of books entitled His Dark Materials that would become, and remain, my favorite book series ever conceived- for young adults or other wise.
Harry Potter was everywhere.
It was awesome.
Being a fan of the series, the sudden group of people willing to converse all things Potter via the internet and at school was fun. Now, of course there was (is) also the back lash. My boyfriend Lee hates the series and all subsequent things Potter related. He’s never read the books nor cares too, he was one of the “Potter is a Pot head lololololz” individuals who if you read the books and have ever expressed so publicly may have run into. He remains avid in his anti-Potter ways as do many others. Irregardless, with Harry Potter I found myself in a fandom* situation that has yet to happen to me again; more people where fans of the same thing I was then the number of people who where not. Seriously. Grown ups, acquaintances, peers, strangers- anyone (and what felt like everyone) was a fan. My tastes in entertainment are not that far fetched and I believe the various fandoms I partake actively in are rather large in actuality, but they pale in comparison to the otherwise overwhelming numbers of the Harry Potter camp. The only other fandom I’m acclimated to that might be equal to Potter is Lord of the Rings (which in a way I don't see on the same level entirely as Rings gained a huge following the size of Potters but only after the films while Potter fans where larger then Rings fans before the films- not that it really matters, I just can't help but observe).
I first read The Fellowship of the Ring in 8th grade as forced by Mrs. Lanning’s English class and found it dull, but ultimately fascinating, and I soon took off on all things Middle Earth.
Now, ignore the fact I can write in Tengwar English mode (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tengwar), own a red leather bound gold paged full copy of Lord of the Rings, and saw the first film 7 times in theaters- I’m not that big of a Lord of the Rings fan. I prefer Harry Potter by what could be described as a “long shot”.
Hopefully that will give you (potentially scary) insight into my life as a perpetual fan of various things, one of the bigger being the ever so fantastical story of the boy who lived. If Lord of the Rings is below Harry Potter; perhaps the feelings of my finishing the last sentence of Death Hallows can be, if not communicated, given insight into at least.
And I am aware the Harry Potter books are just books. But speaking as a girl who felt isolated, awkward, and nerdy- often times even to this day outside of the Stair People- who was finally settling into a new home, Harry Potter has become a little something more to me. I mean; I could argue that it is the Harry Potter books that have created the internet addicted individual that is me, now, 10 years later. My active internet based fandom of anything was lead by my enjoyment of Harry Potter and not The X-Files, comics, or anything else I sqwee about and love more then Potter, interestingly enough. Call me shallow (although I prefer human) for wanting acceptance in something as trivial as entertainment tastes every once in a while; but Harry Potter put a little bit of nerd into a lot of people and I, however incapable to explain or sad I may sound, am thankful for that.
...
On the other hand, Harry Potter is below His Dark Materials in the ranks of my book fandom so indications show that I’m about to have a hernia if the Golden Compass movie pulls a Return of the King. Oh, the hazards of active fanism; carrying way to much about things that logically make no sense to care about.
(* Fandom: A term used to refer to a subculture composed of fans characterized by a feeling of sympathy and comradeship with others who share a common interest. Fans typically are interested in even minor details of the object(s) of their fandom and spend a significant portion of their time and energy involved with their interest; this is what differentiates them from those with only a casual interest. When referring to an organized sub-culture, the term "fandom" is most often associated with a particular community of fans of the science fiction and fantasygenres, in any medium.)
Onward with the Harry Potter-ness!
Thats all I can think of at the moment. More will pop up throughout the week/month as I think way too much about a fictional world and people. Like with all really good books that engross me I am not a little bit depressed as I will never go to Hogwarts and on top of that yet to ever read anything (cannonly) new about it.
*Le Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*
needs more Snape though. I have no doubt that will happen though, just gotta read more. Sucks I have work tomorrow.
The house is hurting me. It's so messy and blaaaaaaah. I don't wanna even bother until Lee's family leaves. I love 'em, they are great- but they are some messy people.
You know what I hate? When I tell people my major.
When I tell inquiring individuals about my major it's met with visual confrontation in the form of disapproving, confused facial expressions - or with the either the phrase "Oh, so you just haven't figured it out yet?" or "Why?"
For the record; I have figured out my major, that's why it's my major, and yes my major is Hawaiian history with a minor in Hawaiian anthropology. And the why is because I enjoy it and find it a fascinating and relevant field of study within my community, state, and country.
Fuckers.
Perhaps the immediate career choices or uses for a Hawaiian history degree may not be entirely well known, nor entirely extensive, and I understand peoples' reaction being "You're paying all this money for a degree I see no future in?"- but I promise you a future is there and I am following a path. I am not wasting money. I am using it.
And no, you don't have to be Hawaiian to study Hawaiian history. Ethnicity does not denote field of study.